Thursday, August 31, 2006

I want to do this. Sarah just sent the link to me and thought I was kidding when I said it sounded awesome. How did I not know such a thing existed? How cool!!

Posted @ 7:44 PM

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

*sigh* I guess it's time for an update. Most notable in my world:

Post breakup, I am feeling more and more aimless and drawn to self-destructive behavior I swore I'd never indulge in again. (See list of DOs and DON'Ts from 8/3.) Phhhhhh. Maybe I do need to just do what feels good right now. I didn't think that was a good idea when I made the list, but things change...and that is actually why I made the list: to remind my present self of the plan my past sensible self wanted implemented. I guess I predicted the need to override myself. Um, yeah...I'm nuts. Anyway...

Monte has turned out to be quite an acrobat, as demonstrated with his leaps and backflips whilst trying to capture the feather toy. However, his ability to stop is not yet finetuned and he kept leaping right into the wall. You'll probably think I'm a total jerk for saying this, but I was laughing so hard I was hissing. He's awfully entertaining.

As mentioned in previous posts (about the demise of my perennials and shrubs), the park sent in a family of idiots to take down a bunch of old, decrepit pine trees. I have been avoiding going outside because it looks like a massacre: limbs everywhere and so stark. They better be sending someone in to clean up all this shit and salvage my lawn. Anyway, I have other issues with the aforementioned idiot family regarding the sale of Jay's car, but that's a whole other story.

Speaking of Jay, he emailed me the other day to say that he's really happy in NC so far. Says everyone is warm and loving and he feels like he belongs there. I am simultaneously happy for him and jealous/hurt that he isn't going through the sadness and fuckedupness that I am. *shrugs* Maybe he is and just doesn't want to tell me. One of the hardest things about telling him how I felt was the guilt (thinking I was "doing" something awful to him by being honest and agreeing to move on) and he knew I was beating myself up about it, so maybe he's just being kind. *sigh*

I have LASIK surgery scheduled for September 12th. I had saved the remainder of my accident settlement money to do this for myself. My glasses are falling apart and the Rx is never right and I haven't been able to find contacts that fit right despite many eye exams and different brands. I am forever squinting and blinking and rubbing my eyes. I should have known that that indicated an actual problem and not just bad luck with incompetent optometrists... The surgery coordinator emailed me today that the surgeon was doing the calculations for my surgery and there is a significant abnormality to the shape of my right eye -- guess I have a weird ridge as well as astigmatism -- so they're now recommending Custom PRK instead. I don't think there will be a major difference financially, but from what I have read about PRK, it's painful and the recovery is much slower than LASIK. (No pain with LASIK they say, and people are seeing 20/20 or better within a couple days. May be a couple of weeks to months with PRK.) So I am trying to decide what to do. I know better than to hit the internet for information (people come to my workplace all hysterical because of hyped-up misinformation all the time), but I have to admit, I am pretty bummed out and worried. I guess I should wait to form my opinions until after I talk with the doctor. The pain isn't really a deterrent, but being out of work any longer than I have to be is.

What else... I have no plans for the long weekend except to keep gutting the house. Maybe I'll take Indie to the beach. Maybe I'll try to go visit a friend way too far south for my driving preferences. Maybe I'll go hang out with Cary. *shrugs* I'unno. I think I should try to do something instead of just sitting around here feeling sad.

That's all for now. Happy Hump Day, in advance.

Posted @ 9:34 PM

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

So I have broken down and started to surf MySpace profiles. Not looking for love (yet) but I thought some platonic opposite-sex company might be nice. Lease with the option to buy, sort of? Ha! Well, as was the case in high school, more than half the guys I think seem interesting and intelligent are gay!

More power to ya, boys! But what's a girl to do??

P.S. Jay really left today. I may never see him again. After the initial break down of blubbering and snot, I am now calm. This will be OK. I will be OK.

Posted @ 10:30 PM

Monday, August 21, 2006

More stuff that has somehow been ending up on MySpace instead of my real blog...

August 19, 2006

I have been doing mostly good...or mostly well, I should say. Possibly because I have been insanely busy at work and also doing lots around the house to get into the shape in which I want it. When things slow down though, I feel lost and aimless and alone again, and I force myself to become frantically busy once more. Weird cycle. I'm exhausted.

Jay is leaving for North Carolina on Monday or Tuesday. I am kind of in denial about this. He turned in his work truck and quit his job on Monday and as I am a diehard friend who would do just about anything for the people I care about, I took him to Portsmouth today to pick up spark plugs so he can get his Harley out of here. We laughed and had a good time and it was almost like everything was "normal" again...except it's not. We are no longer we and there is no us. Being able to still lean on each other through this is a strange blessing that is about to end. I think I'm going to fall apart again when he's really gone.

Introductions, Part 1

Introductions, Part 2 (Hmmmm, not so sure about this...)

Introductions, Part 3 (Thwap, thwap, thwap!)

I put Jay's hutch (which he is not taking with him) in the kitchen with some chili pepper lights tonight and Millie Maude felt like checking things out.  Just thought it was awfully cute.

August 16, 2006

It's been Shango (African god of thunder, dance and drum), Sunee (Thai for "a good thing), Kismet (fate/fortune)...

But as far as names go, nothing felt right until I passed a vehicle for sale on the way home tonight... It was the same make and model that my good friend Jimmy took apart and completely rebuilt when we were in high school. Not only do I have awesome memories associated with that car, but it had the deepest, most rumbly motor I had ever heard: a motor you could actually feel.

So in honor of the first muscle car I ever loved, and since this kitten has the second deepest, most rumbly motor I have ever heard, I have named the him...

Monte Carlo
(just Monte for short)

August 14, 2006

Well, things didn't turn out exactly how I planned... The kitten Mona had in mind for me wouldn't give me the time of day and this gentleman... Well, he laid upside down on my lap purring the whole time, so... He's not named yet. Any ideas? Nothing cliche or cheesy. I do not name my pets after Disney characters (no offense to anyone who does!)

Posted @ 9:09 PM

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Tomorrow will be night seven. The first few without Jay were awful (see last post) but I have to admit, it is becoming comfortable faster than I expected. The only analogy I can come up with right now is that I feel like I was wearing a pair of jeans that were waaaaaay too tight. I didn't even realize how tight they were until I finally wiggled out of them and now I'm comfortable again. Ah, the beauty of oversimplification... Anyway, a weird thing I have noticed since Jay has been gone is that I am actually sleeping better. He talks/yells/laughs in his sleep and although I was conscious of him waking me up a couple times a night, I think he must have been waking me up way more than that and I just didn't realize it. Sort of like people with sleep apnea -- they wake up for a split second 50 or 100 times a night and don't remember it but they are exhausted the next day. I think that was what was happening. So there's one silver lining...

The park sent in a guy to take down some old, mostly-dead pine trees last week and in the process, he destroyed one of my "gardens," if you can even call it that. The lamp post is broken and everything planted around it was crushed. I dug up what was left of the shrubs today and moved them to the bed by the porch and moved the perennials that were failing to thrive in the bed, out by the road where they can get some sun. I also rolled a ginormous rock out there to plant them around, just so my stupid neighbor won't mow everything down. Tomorrow (or soon, anyway), I hope to dig up my bulbs (glads and lilies) that were also crushed. I'm not sure whether I am going to try to get them in the ground again this season or just pack them up and do it in the spring. Decisions, decisions.

So, Jay moved some more stuff and brought Dimitri over to his apartment tonight. He has changed his mind about four times in the last week as far as where he wants to be and what he wants to do, but as it now stands, he will be giving his 2-week notice to Heritage tomorrow, moving to North Carolina and hoping for the best. They may try to sue him for breaking his contract, but he is willing to take that risk. I have tried to be supportive, as I would be for a friend, through this whole thing, but I have to admit I am getting a little frustrated. Whether he stays in NH or moves to NC, he still needs to move out of here and he is dragging his ass on that. I understand the "when in doubt, do nothing" approach, but this needs to be finalized.

In other news, I am fairly certain that I will be obtaining a Bengal kitten tomorrow. I have wanted another one forever but didn't because we had a full house. While I still have a pretty full house, Dimitri has left an open spot and now there's no one to tell me not to do it, so I am! So neener neener neener!

I have decided to name her Kismet, which not only means fortune/fate, but Jay also called his one-man-musical-act "Kismet Shift," so I guess it's a kind of tribute to him. Besides, her birthday is May 5th, which is the same as his. Weird, huh? She's the only one left from her litter of six. It just seems meant to be.

*sigh* What else...?

I repainted my kitchen window and trim again because I hated the clay walls with the green color I originally picked out. It's now a warm color called Canyon that compliments the Burnished Copper much better. Incidentally, if anyone is looking for really good paint, you cannot beat American Tradition (I used Signature Colors - Earth Elements) at Lowes. It is as thick as pudding, dries fast and the coverage is awesome.

New Colors
American Tradition - Signature Colors - Earth Elements - Burnished Copper & Canyon

Old Colors

American Tradition - Signature Colors - Earth Elements - Burnished Copper & Bare Valley

I guess I oughta go throw my laundry in the dryer and take a shower. I played in a lot of dirt today!

Posted @ 11:42 PM

Sunday, August 06, 2006

OK, here's the shit I haven't been posting here:

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I am 90% certain that Jay is moving out this weekend. In the last week we have broken up, then committed to try to make it work, then broken up again, made up again and are now really, truly (I think) done. He has an appointment to look at an apartment tomorrow and we've already talked about who's keeping what... I am making out like a bandit, mostly because he doesn't want to move a bunch of stuff, but instead of being grateful, I am fretting. I am thinking: are these the small things that are going to have him telling everyone what a bitch I am later on down the line? That I kept his shit when he actually elected to leave it here? That I am resigned to his leaving? That though we both agree this is for the best, I am not kicking and screaming and trying to convince him to stay? If this was all on bad terms, it would be easier not to give a shit. Anger is convenient like that. But I love him very much (just not in love with him) and in so doing, I care what he thinks of me. I am quite sure that I will always think of him as a powerful, positive force in my life, who helped me heal and learn the things I needed to learn, as only he could. I can only hope that he will to see me in the same way.

So now I am completely freaking out about bills and paying for oil this winter and shoveling the driveway by myself (with a still-fairly-fresh back injury) and if Indie is going to get depressed without him and what I will do with myself when I am only obligated to myself... I am worried that I am going to turn into an insomniac camwhore again, become completely dysfunctional and withdrawn...and get another fucking cat, and eat too much ice cream. I think I'll be okay; I've done this before. I lived alone for a looong time before Jay came along. It's just scary. I've never been very good at losing people.

Whimkat is all puffed up and circling around my chair saying "brrrrrrrr'ow, brrrrrr'ow." Every so often, she'll jump up and pseudo-sharpen her claws on my hip. (She doesn't really extend her nails and I keep them short anyway.) She seems to know when I need the extra lovin'. Crazy fucking cat.

My plan (in random order):

1. Do not wallow in self-pity.
2. Do not let lonliness cloud my judgement.
3. Do not accept less than I am worth (I am saving this one for the future.)
4. Do not have casual sex ('cause I freely admit that I can't tell the difference between sex and love and that's no good for anyone.)
5. Do not fill the void with Ben & Jerry.
6. Maintain a schedule -- no sleeping all day just because no one's here to tell me not to.
7. Remember the good stuff.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

He just took over the first load of stuff to his new apartment. We had another long talk last night and got some closure. He has no ill will toward me, nor I toward him and we both accept this as just the next chapter in our lives. We both filled a tremendous need for each other in the beginning and as we have grown and healed, the need has dwindled. I have always thought that people come and go from one's life to serve some purpose -- to help them learn something -- and that it's not a bad thing. I guess I just never thought it could happen with someone I have been so incredibly close to. *sigh*

It's going to be a long night.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Jay stayed here one last night, supposedly because he doesn't yet have a bed or couch, but he admitted later he just wasn't ready to leave. As I sit here by myself, not quite knowing what to do next, I completely know how he feels.

He may end up going to North Carolina to be with his family, who all moved there last year. He signed a 5-year contract with Heritage and they can sue him if he breaks it, so he's going to try to get them to let him out of it tomorrow. Truth is, I know he only stayed here for me. He has been wanting to get out of NH and go south forever. Now he has no reason to be here. Not that I really do either -- my whole family is gone too. We're kind of sad and solitary like that. Probably why we tried to make this work for so long -- we were all the other really had.

As if I wasn't fucked up enought about this, I have felt closer to him in the last few days than I have in a long time. We slept next to each other last night and I just cried and cried in the dark. He stroked my hair and that just made me cry more. I know this is right, so why does it feel so horrible?

Posted @ 8:21 PM

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