Thursday, September 25, 2003

Yeah yeah yeah… So I’ve been slacking. To be honest, sometimes the crap I do come up with isn’t worth posting but I post it anyway, so if I think I have nothing to say, I really have nothing to say! I can’t say anything exciting or especially time-consuming has been keeping me from my blog, I just haven’t felt like it. Bleh. Life is monotonous. Work is monotonous. Same shit, different day. I guess I just kind of feel stale lately. Like a Ritz cracker that’s been out too long. Lost my crispity crunchity-ness and am now approaching chewy, which is something no Ritz should ever be! Lol. I am such an ass sometimes. Well, to be accurate, often.

What have I done lately… Um… Er… Eh… Work, hung out with Sis and Bro, watched an excessive number of movies with Jay, made lasagna (Indie pulled it off the counter and ate half of it, the little shit!), made a bubbly retro layout for Cryssie and Courtney of… I’unno. Like I said, stale stale stale…

So I guess I better go find something constructive to do, you know, being at work and everything… Hope everyone has had a good week so far, and that it is followed by an awesome weekend!

Posted @ 10:19 AM

Friday, September 19, 2003

Thought of the day: "Life is like a stew. You have to stir it frequently or all the scum rises to the top." - Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker

And now for the Friday Five:
1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why? I could never say that one person or group over another was my favorite, and that makes this type of Friday Five frustrating. My musical taste is incredibly eclectic. I listen to Rock 101.1 a lot, which is mostly hard rock and heavy metal. But that doesn't mean I don't have a Christina Aguilera CD sitting next to an Ani DiFranco CD which is on top of an Eminem CD. Jane's addiction is probably one of my all-time faves, if I had to name one... But seriously, my musical taste is not able to be pigeon-holed.
2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why? I would like to say Britnety Spears, but the truth is that I have a sort of annoying fascination with her. I mean, I seriously do not think she has a lick of vocal talent (short of not being tone deaf, but is that really a talent? Simply not sucking?), but she is indeed a phenomenon and a trendsetter who is truly the Madonna of her time. She is probably the most manufactured, assembly-line singer I have ever seen, but it works for her. So I guess I'd say I love to hate her and hate to admit I love her...
3. If your favorite singer wasn't in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person? I have no idea. How much do we really know about anyone, aside from what they or the media choose to portray? For all I know, the bands and singers I love could be a bunch of assholes. It's about the tunes.
4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show? Went to see Jane's Addiction in October 2001 and it was un-fucking-believable. That is all I can say.
5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music? Well, my first real boyfriend, back in like 1994, when CDs were just beginning to overtake cassette tapes in the record stores, told me that once you make something digital, it's not yours anymore. And I don't think he meant that as in you give up your right to your property, just that when you put it in a form that can be so easily stollen, don't be surprised when it is. I understand that downloading music violates copyright laws and is technically theft, but isn't that also true of everyone who ever rented a VHS and then hooked 2 VCRs together and taped it? As long as it wasn't being sold or viewed for profit, no one really seemed to care about that. The problem now is that digital = easy, and the person who had 10 illegally taped VHS movies 15 years ago can now acquire thousands of songs in the same amount of time. I the fact is that Ko (the boyfriend way back when) was right, that now it's digital, they can't control it. Where it goes and who gets it and how. I truly think the RIAA is fighting a losing battle, though I understand the cause...

So that's all I have to say today. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. :o)

Posted @ 12:21 PM

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Thought of the day: "Remember my dear, I can smell a lie like a fart in a car." - Happy Harry Hardon, Pump Up the Volume

I couldn't find a quote I liked tonite, so I snagged that one from memory. Weird the things I process and store in my head, like a little squirrel hiding nuts... Speaking of nuts, um, eh... Maybe I am! Lol.

I have no progress report regarding the last weeks' issues. I am kind of refusing to deal with it, I guess, which I know isn't good. I have to do something, choose something. But right now I am choosing to take my time.

Things I am looking forward to right now: the lunch I won us at Shorty's this weekend by dropping a business card in the fish bowl, my new sneakers arriving via UPS so I can throw out my old ones with the holes, checking out a potential home to purchase, seeing my sister this weekend, um... There's probably more, but I won't bore you. Just needs to be remindin' m'self that there's goodness to be had. Hope everyone had a happy humpday (as always, happier if you were actually humping!)

Posted @ 8:08 PM

Monday, September 15, 2003

Thought of the day: "The farther we go, the more the ultimate explanation recedes from us, and all we have left is faith." - Vaclav Hlavaty

It was a very long weekend... A lot of talking, realization, hope... I don't know exactly where I am right now, I don't know if it is all intuition or wishful thinking... I am in a spot where I have to decide yes or no, pick my numbers, assess the risks. And trying to make a good decision with an out-of-control, idealistic heart yelling frantically at a scared, realistic brain who just wants to do the right a shitty impasse. So I adhere to the advice of my mom, who always told me, "When in doubt, do nothing."

We talked all weekend. We shared dope slaps generously. (Dunno if that is just a term used in my family, but in Erin's family context, a dope slap is like a "wake the fuck up and smell the coffee.") Weren't mean, just honest. Amazing how you can make yourself believe, through assumtion (not fact!) and the self-convincing that follows, that something is one way, and then find out it is not at all how you created it in your mind... Anyway, all my thoughts (last few posts) on him were dead on. Everything. His about me were waaaay out there. And I know why. I understand why. I forgive him and feel compassion for what his past does to him presently, and by association, what it does to me. And that compassion won't allow any room for anger, which in turn makes it harder to decipher what is in my own best interest. Or maybe easier, 'cause anger can surely cloud the mind just as well as love... *sigh* Bottom line: they're still his issues. But mine to repspond to...

Posted @ 8:39 AM

Friday, September 12, 2003

No thought of the day today, just the Friday Five...
1. Is the name you have now the same name that's on your birth certificate? If not, what's changed? Um... I added my mother's remarried name onto my real last name (hyphenated), for a bunch of reasons. I am on a quest for my own name though, one that is all mine. Just haven't found the right one yet. I am not particularly fond of my father or my step-father, so I am likewise not particularly fond of being named after them...
2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be? I am happy with my first name and middle name, it's just the last name issue... Haven't decided what I want it to be.
3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?) I have no idea. All I know is that it was either Erin, Leah or...Allison, I think. The Leah might have worked, but not Allison! Nothing against that name, it's just not me...
4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why? The names I don't like are generally associated with people, but are otherwise fine names and I only dislike them for what they make me remember... Julia, Scott, Tom, Tony, Tanya, Kevin, Shana... As for names I love, oddly the name Jay (and no, I am not being obsessive, this is true) is a name I have always loved. I have known a lot of Jays. If I had a daughter, I always thought I would name her Mayleah (pronounced may-lee-uh), which is Hawiaan for "wild flower," (I may have spelled it wrong) and I just thought it was pretty. And again, not obsessing, but Jay once said he would name his daughter Eva, after his great aunt, and I thought that was really pretty too... I love the name Hayden, but my friend Sarah named her little one that and calls him Hay Monkey. Lol. *sigh* It is very sad and odd to me that I am talking about baby names instead of just plain old names. Damn...
5. Is the analysis of your name at accurate? How or how isn't it? The influence of Erin makes you positive, self-assertive, and independent. TRUE You can be creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, such as handicrafts. ALSO TRUE When you have the opportunity to pursue your own goals and interests free from interference, you can feel very agreeable and express a buoyant optimism. TRUE On the other hand, you can be impulsive and forceful when opposed, and act without due forethought and discretion. NOT TRUE Hence you have many bitter experiences and generally rather unsettled conditions in your life, with little progress and financial accumulation. TRUE IN SOME WAYS, BUT NOT REALLY You cannot tolerate any domination by others, or circumstances that restrict your freedom and independence. VERY TRUE! You are inclined to make changes abruptly in your life as an escape from such conditions. SOMETIMES When annoyed or offended, you can be very candid and sarcastic in your speech. ONLY WITH FAMILY AND THOSE BOTH LUCKY AND UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO BE CLOSE TO ME! Many disruptions in friendship and association have thus resulted. ONLY TRUE IN THE SENSE THAT ONCE FUCKED OVER, I AM DONE. THERE IS NO TRYING TO TALK THROUGH IT. I SEVER TIES EASILY. (Present situation excluded.) Verbal expression is difficult for you, and you can be forthright in situations requiring delicacy, even though it is not your intention to be. LOL, NOPE. Overall, pretty close though. Except that somewhere along the line, I lost my ability to stick up for myself and speak openly. I am a chickenshit.

I called Jay because I realized he has some stuff of mine that I want back. I left a bland, monotone message on his machine this morning. I said to call while I was at work and leave me a message with how he wants to handle it or email me if he didn't want to talk, trying to make it easy for him, because I want my shit and I don't want him being able to say I made it so unpleasant that he couldn't give it back to me. Ah, the casualties of a break-up. Anyway, he has not called or emailed and is not online and I am kinda annoyed, because he could at least be decent enough to finish this. *sigh* I guess we shall see what tomorrow brings... I bet you anything he spent the day in bed, avoiding everyone, because he is sad and feels like he made a mistake but told me he would not be turning back on his decision this time... Two stubborn Tauruses! And this is not wishful thinking, this is me knowing him. And not knowing what to do about it! *growls* Whatever...

Posted @ 8:14 PM

Thursday, September 11, 2003

This just came from my friend Kelly, who I take for granted and don't tell her I love her enough... Between this and a talk with Kristen and my brother (who I am oddly finding comfort in talking to these days, though we h-a-t-e-d each other as adolescents!) I am feeling a little better. Or a little numb-er...

Words of wisdom from Kelly:

Hey There Babe..
So I read this today and as I certainly have felt down in the dumps lately.. And slowly gotten myself out.. And you are now down in the dumps .. Perhaps you will get the slight same joy as I did when I read the following today...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping sparrow and promptly ate him.

The moral of this story:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

The fact that I have been watching 911 specials since I got home has also put things into perspective a bit. Like when my mother would give me her absurdly extreme (yet totally valid) list of things to be thankful for ("You don't have AIDS and aren't missing limbs," etc.)... I was thinking about the thousands of kids who lost a mother or father or sibling or aunt or uncle, and it made this loss seem insignificant. Made me ashamed at how sad I am. But I guess that's what it is to have your own personal hell. I just have to remember, however bad things are, they could always be worse.

I have been thinking about Jay all day and reached a sort of numb resignation. I don't think it's over really, though I feel stupid every time I think that, so maybe that is my intuition trying to tell me something... But I think he has some things he needs to work out and I think this is probably for the best. Whether it is for a week or forever. Still hard to swallow...

Posted @ 8:22 PM

Thought of the day: "There is no coming to consciousness without pain." - Carl Jung

I feel like someone scooped out my insides. That probably has a lot to do with the fact that the only thing I have eaten since yesterday morning is a granola bar and a cup of coffee... I know I should eat something, but I feel like I'll throw up. :o( I forgot how much this sucks, how bad it feels, how it seems like the worst thing you have ever felt in your entire life and you can't imagine ever feeling anything worse than this...and then you get over it, and forget about it, forget how bad it was until BAM! It happens again.

I am kind of floating between denial and devastation right now. I keep thinking, He's going to be back. Maybe we just need some time...maybe he needs some time... Then I kick my own ass, thinking about what a fucking moron I must be, how fucking pathetic to not get it, to just accept it. It is over. But is it really...? *sigh*

I am so afraid to be back in that lonely place I once was, a place that Jay's presence in my life made me forget. I am afraid of never feeling good again, 'cause all I feel now is alone. I am sorry to whine, but this is (as always) the worst thing I have ever felt. I don't remember how to make it go faster. That's probably the most brutal thing about the post-relationship aftermath - you never remember what you did to get over it. Maybe nothing. Maybe it is a case of time healing wounds. I don't know. I can't believe he's gone, but I have to.

There is no point to my babbling and whining, so fuck this.

Posted @ 3:23 PM

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Thought of the day: "When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left." - Sufi Epigram

I wish that was true right now. Brace yourself - this is going to be a whopper of a post. I have previously posted a lot of surface nonsense, nothing that really, deeply mattered or effected me, but I am about to let that all go, because I have to let this go. I can't deal with it by myself, and as I seem to lose everyone I love, I am by myself...

I called Jay tonite to see if he wanted to come over for spaghetti. He didn't sound right. I said, "You OK?" He said, "Been better." I said, "Do you want to talk about it?" And he stammered and studdered. I knew. I knew it just by his silence. It is over.

What I don't get about this - because I am ashamed to admit it is the third time (and I feel really stupid), though the first two were just "scares," (or so I thought) because he had been so damaged before and was panicking about commitment and that sort of thing - is that everything has been fine. *sigh* Maybe I should just tell you what went on from the beginning...

The first time we broke up, or whatever you want to call it, was at the end of June, because he was unhappy in New Hampshire and wanted to move to Florida to live with his sick father for a while. Was very sad to me, but I understood. Upon digging a little deeper, it was more about fear of repeating the past (long-term relationship with girl who started out great and turned into bitch), which was assuaged by reassurance and such. So that was done. Moved on. Things were good.

Another month or so passes. He sends me an email about how he loves me, but it's not the kind of love to sustain a romantic relationship, that he felt he was doing me an injustice and being disrespectful by denying that, etc. etc., and that he felt he was trying to make it work solely for the purpose of overcoming the commitment issue. I emailed back that a) I thought emailing a break up was the most cowardly thing I had ever witnessed, and that if he had any respect for me, as he said he did, he would have had the balls to say it to my face; b) I questioned whether he was ending it because it was simply a means to an end (overcoming the commitment issue), which I agree is not a good reason to be in a relationship, or ending it because the very issue he was supposedly trying to conquer had conquered him. Well, he read the email and I got an IM saying he thought he made a mistake, followed by a phonecall full or more discussion, followed by us getting together and having a lovely evening. We agreed that nite that when he was having doubts, fears, etc., he would tell me. We would talk about it, rather than letting them pile up and trigger the flee button. So everything's been good since then.

Then tonite rolls around. We haven't seen each other since Sunday nite, but only because we've both been working late. Or maybe that's just my reason. *sigh* Made spaghetti phonecall, encountered sad voice on the other end, the bomb was dropped. I asked him, though I knew what he would say (but do I believe it?), "Do you think I will be getting an IM, email or phonecall from you questioning if this was a mistake?" and all he said was "no." How can two little letters rip such a huge hole in my heart?

He said the usual things, like it's not anything I did or don't do, it just doesn't feel right, etc. Then he told me (because he has been wonderful to me, aside from this crap, far beyond anything I have ever known, and I have never been shy about telling him that), "Never expect any less from anyone else." It almost pissed me off. No, it did piss me off. Because while I agree that he has been wonderful in many ways, the fact that he's been dishonest with me by saying "I love you" and faking his true feelings about me and this relationship not something I want to expect from anyone! But I guess every relationship technically ends badly.. Strictly because it ends. Period.

There is a part of me that notes the recurring theme here... He has been dealing with this since we met, questioning why he was with me, if it was right, etc., so do I really have a right to be upset when that same thing resurfaces, for the final time? I guess I don't have a right to be surprised... I am mad at him and myself. I am hurt that he faked it. (Although he said that was too strong a word, I don't think so.) I am scared of being alone again, of falling into my same patterns of distrust and lonliness. I am scared of forgetting my self-worth. I am scared of never finding someone that can make me feel like he did. He told me once that he wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary (the whole "don't expect anything less from anyone else" thing again), and that I was probably more in love with the idea of him than him. I didn't think he was right, of course, but maybe it would be easier if I thought of it like that...

So here I am now. Whining in a blog, because the people I was closest to (on a day-to-day basis, anyway, as everyone else I consider close friends are far away or I never see) are gone. Kerry, Jean and Jay. It's ironic, I lost them partially because I spent too much time with Jay (and I know it) and now I don't have him either. I guess we all take risks in life, and gamble, and I lost. Everyone.

I truly do not believe I will ever meet someone like him, who can me feel so whole and special as a person. At this point, it is going to be crucial for me to keep this thought at bay, because I can hear it scratching at the gates to come in and rip me to shreads. Why is a breakup always followed by self-pity? Maybe because I know the "it's not you" is a load of shit and this makes me feel like somehow I failed. Somehow I am not good enough. God, I hate this...

Posted @ 8:01 PM

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Thought of the day: " Your faith is what you believe, not what you know." - John Lancaster Spalding

I don't know what made me pick this quote, because I was originally looking for one on "moving," then on "home," then on "poverty," then on "money," because those are in the forefront of my mind today, but something lead me to "faith." And this quote is kinda meaningful for a bunch of reasons. One is that all those things - moving, home, poverty, money - all can be really disheartening, if you don't remember to have a little faith... And I just like that definition of faith. It's so boiled down and simplified. It's what you believe, not what you know. I am not religious in the traditional sense of the word - like believing in "God" and Heaven and Hell and all that - but I sure do have a lot of faith. A lot of faith in a lot of things: myself, Jay, the future... And there is a comfort in that, though it totally defies reason. *sigh* I do not, however, have faith in my ability to be philosophical (articulately) today, so I will move on!

Well, I was going to do a meme from this list, but I think they're all kinda lame, so I'll pass. The only happy thing I have to share today is that a really cool real estate agent got back to me today, after I thought no one ever would, and I am going to call and see what we I can figure out loan-wise so I can start the hunt. I told her what I thought I could swing (according to my prequalification last year) and she didn't tell me to keep dreamin', so that's a good sign. Yippeeeeeee! If I am in a home of some sort - that I own - within the next six months I will be beside myself with glee. I will send a bottle of champagne to anyone who says "Happy Housewarming" to me. Lol. (Anyone over 21, of course. *wink*) So please send me as much positivity as you can spare, 'cause I believe there's power in that! Hope everyone had a good day and if not, that tomorrow is better. :o)

Posted @ 3:39 PM

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Thought of the day: "A person's worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea, is in being, not in doing, not in having. - Alice Mary Hilton

*stretches* I have a lot to say...well, it feels like I do...yet nothing is coming to me. Hmmm... It's downright chilly this morning, and foggy. Fall is in the air. I love it! Jay and I both woke up a little cranky because evidently we are both talking in our sleep now. He does it constantly, and I was learning to ignore it, but it seems I am starting to talk back in my sleep. Lol. What a ridiculous scene it must be: two drooling, snorting, sleeping people, mumbling to each other. *sigh* Soulmates. Ha ha ha. Seriously though, after coffee and breakfast, it was all good. :o)

We started to watch House of 1000 Corpses last nite, which I was four square against, but only because I am the biggest baby ever when it comes to scary movies... I mean, the scene in Harry Potter when the guy is drinking the unicorn's blood and he starts gliding toward Harry totally creeped me out, so if a children's movie can do it, a Rob Zombie flick certainly could. Anyway, we didn't finish it, but not 'cause I didn't want to. Jay was bored and admittedly creeped out. I think he just wanted to watch it at his house without me, so he didn't have to feel me shaking. Lol. Anyway, I have to give myself credit for at least being willing to watch it. But I can't say I'm sad that we didn't finish. I guess my take on it is that even if I wasn't a total baby, I only have so much room in my head, and why would I want that crap in there? I'd rather see something funny or inspiring. Anyways...

I have to go to Target and pick up some SlimFast granola bars. I have been having one for breakfast every morning. Seems to be working out, having three meals a day. I've lost another 5 lbs., which I can only assume is because my metabolism is picking up, 'cause I haven't really cut back on the food, just spaced it out better. *shrugs* Whatever it is, it's working. :o)

Hope everyone has a good Sunday! :o)

Posted @ 9:39 AM

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Thought of the day: "Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five, it's fantastic." - Woody Allen

Are you digging the quote? I thought so. *wink* So, I am about to throw caution to the wind, because this is my site, right? And where else could be better to completely be myself than here? I got somethin't to share and I'm gonna share it, like it or not. And if it lessens anyones' opinion of me, get your head out of your ass and loosen up. So here goes...

I am on a bit of a porn kick lately. Not nasty, cheap porn, although I know some would say it's all cheap and nasty... I have ordered a few things from Adam & Eve lately, all of which came with "free gifts," which means my previously single DVD collection is now like 3 DVDs and a bunch of VHSs. I have not yet watched the best one, 'cause it was on back order and just arrived yesterday and I am waiting for my honey to come over so we can see it together, but I did flip through the "Extras" on the DVD and I just have to say that Jenna Jameson is hot shit. I mean, she's a little hottie in general, but that's not what I mean. The behind-the-scenes shit was actually funny. She actually seems like a pretty cool girl, the kind of person who'd be fun to hang out with. I'unno. Maybe I'm nuts. I just thought it was cool. And I don't think there's any shame in digging porn. I mean, there is some I have seen that made my stomach turn, but when it's not freakish, it can be delicious. :o) If anyone is interested in checking out what I got, click here. like I said, I haven't watched it yet, but it was filmed like real movies (quality film and cameras), has great sets and costumes. It's a "fantasy" flick, with fairies and shit like that.

So in conclusion, I am not like a total degenerate porn hound or anything, I am just not afraid to admit I like it! And I think a little porn can do everyone good. You might try something different, pick up a trick, become less inhibited... It's all good. :o) Oh yeah, and mainly for the reason that it will unnerve women and intrigue men whenever and wherever I wear it, I got this, too. Isn't that awesome?? *sigh* It's good to not be a prude :o)

Posted @ 1:47 PM

Monday, September 01, 2003

Thought of the day: "Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." - Christina Baldwin

Yeah yeah, another day, another layout, right? Well, I told you I have been feeling like I was craving change in this incessant search for something more... So here's a little change for now. Until I get bored again.

This weekend wasn't nearly long enough, for being a 4-day-weekend! (I had Friday off.) I feel like I accomplished nothing but rest. But that is really what I needed the most. Friday... I didn't do anything, I don't think. *scratches head* How can I forget what I did 3 days ago? Lol. Anyway... Saturday Jay and I went to the Hopkinton Fair for like a half hour. And it was only a half hour 'cause the hoards of people were unbearable and it's just not as much fun as when I was a kid. Now it's just expensive and greasy. Lol. We did say hello to some cows and goats though, which was cool. :o) Yesterday we went down to his mom's to help plant bulbs before the first frost. We must have dug 200 holes between the two of us. My back is pretty sore, but it felt good to have my hands in the dirt. Last nite we rented a couple movies and ate steak and puh-tay-tuhs. Today I assembled my nifty new 3-piece desk set that I got at WalMart for $50 (one of many special deals for the dorm-bound, or just those who are tired of using a wobbly camp table as a desk!) It looks good and all the wires are out of site, which is nice. I was hammering it together at 9 this morning and my downstairs neighbor called and hung up on the machine (thank you, *69), so I am hiding out up here 'cause I think I pissed her off. It was either that or the coffee I spilled on my balcony this morning which probably dripped down her slider. Damn. I am a hellish neighbor, aren't I? Well, I'd rather see it as eccentric and endearing. *sticks out tongue*

I have to go run out and get toothpaste and a couple other things, so I'm outta here for now. Hope everone had a wonderful long weekend! :o)

Posted @ 1:33 PM

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